What Do You Hear Me Say??

"Can you take out the trash?"

"I WILL, I"'M BUSY!"

Hmmm ... what just happened? I asked for some help with a chore that were for our mutual benefit but was met with an angry, short tempered response.

This is where I back up and think, "I wonder what he just heard me say??" So I ask that very question, making my voice as neutral as possible, and his response is: "I heard you say take out the trash, but I'm busy right now and I will get to it".

Okay. I digest that and ask again, "Why the angry response, what did you really hear me say?" He pauses and replies, "I heard you say I have to stop what I'm doing and take out the trash." Nope, I just asked for help, when he was free.

"Let's start again, can you, when you get a moment, take out the trash?"

"Sure"

Later, when we can sit and talk, I revisit the trash can discussion and want to know more about what he believed I was saying. "Did you hear me say that you're lazy and never help me?" He did. "Did you hear me say, "Why do I always have to ask for your help? Why can't you just see what needs to be done?" He did. Did you hear me say, "STOP everything, what I want right now is more important than what you're doing?" He did.

This might have been the start of an argument that would have ended in me huffing off and taking the trash out myself, feeling burdened by doing all of the chores myself, and resenting him. It would have cemented his belief that I was nagging him, again. Instead we began to practice a new way of communicating. Here's what that same conversation would look like now:

"Hey, I'm sorry to interrupt you, but can you remember to take out the trash at some point?"

"What I heard you say was, "Will you stop what you're doing because I want this done now. Is that right?"

"Nope, what I said was, "At some point in your day can you grab the trash and take it out."

"Oh, I heard you ask me to take out the trash. Okay, if I'll get to it in a little while?"

"Sure. Is there anything else you want to add"

"Nope, is there anything more you want to say?"

"Yes, I'm feeling a little angry that you thought I was demanding you stop what you were doing to do what I wanted."

"I get that. Thanks for clarifying. I'm really sorry I overreacted. Is there anything else you want to say?"

"Yes, I think I am frustrated because I frequently have to remind you to take the trash out on trash day because you forget."

"What I heard you say is that I ALWAYS screw up. Is that right?"

"No, I said that I feel frustrated when I have to remind you, it makes me feel like I'm your mother."

"What I heard you say was that I'm a child. Is that right?"

"No, I said that I feel frustrated when I have to remind you because I spend a lot of time reminding our children about what they need to do, and I want to trust that you have trash day covered."

"What I heard you say was that you're frustrated that I forget so often. I'm going to set an alarm on my phone to remind me so you won't have to. Is there anything else?"

"No, that's it."

So much of what we hear is about us, and our beliefs about who we are. Something simple like, "please take out the trash" might bring feelings of shame, guilt, or anger to the receiver. Maybe they know that they should be doing more to help out on mutual chores, or maybe they believe they always forget trash day and have to scramble to get the cans to the curb. Maybe they just feel angry because things were difficult at work that day. The point is that with just a little shift in your communication, things could be much easier and more peaceful. Try it and let me know how it works!